She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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