Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I looked at my own cervix.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize