i permit you to call me
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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