I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
