hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
