Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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