He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
