i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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