Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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