Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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