i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
