I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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