I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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