I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
