Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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