We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
