Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
