I feel great
I just peed on a car
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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