yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
