I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize