Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
