How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I smell stomach acid.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
