now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
