I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
