it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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