look no pants
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
