Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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