I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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