New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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