I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
