I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
