the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
