WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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