just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
