Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
