So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
