I could make wine with my vomit
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
