I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
