I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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