discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
We're hate flirting, damnit.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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