The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
