you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
