Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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