she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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