____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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