When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up under a house in Key West
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
