WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
