I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
