i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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