i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
