yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
