My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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