The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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