We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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