Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize