im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My liver just had a heart attack.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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